Moving forward after a loved one's death

A contributed article by Susan Lee Mintz

On August 17, 1994, my husband and best friend of 25 years passed away from AIDS-related pneumonia. For two years, we both knew the eventuality of his passing, BUT when it happened, I was frozen, numb, and robotically functioning.

Where do I begin? Sadness, depression, emptiness, and continually asking God WHY him and not ME? I was lost.

As the months and years passed, one day I realized that I had moved forward. There was still that hole in my heart that to this day nothing has, nor will, fill it, But I had gone on.

I called hospice and began volunteering for them. They helped me and my husband during his illness and I wanted to give back.

The American Red Cross, Cancer Society, and other organizations were where I felt I could also assist. Helping others to cope with their challenges was a way to start my healing process.

Volunteering helped me accept that life does goes on and YOU don’t know where it might lead.

I also went back to the gym, lifted weights and rode my bicycle. I rented movies, met new people, and spent more time with friends who knew what had happened. Exercise, spiritual strength, and prayer helped to ease my troubled heart.

Although I went back to things that were familiar to me, I had to make changes and remove those “triggers” that could send me over the top and have me crying for days. I changed supermarkets, hair salons, music and restaurants where we used to eat.

My parents were alive, and I flew from Boca Raton, Florida to Albany, New York every few weeks to visit with them.

BUT the most important thing I did was write. I documented daily what was happening to Jeffrey and journaling was cathartic. Everyday for two years I wrote in my journals until he died.

Decades later I finished my memoir titled “Committed to Love.” Eventually I wrote another book, “And I Help Their Hands with a Hospice Heart.”

I did not know how to cope for so long, and though it still hurts at times, I know I have done the best with my life. I give God all the praise and honor because HE guided me through the darkness.

In conclusion I say, “find your own way to grieve and go on.” You were put here for a reason and your life has meaning.

• Do not let anyone tell you how long it might take for you to get “unstuck.”
• You will learn what you can do and what you can’t.
• Do not put yourself into situations that will cause you great sorrow.

You will find your way, because if I could do it, so can you.

Dr. Jeffrey A. Mintz, I know is looking down on me and saying, “Well done, Susan.”

Susan Lee Mintz is an author, lecturer, hospice volunteer and HIV/AIDS advocate  from Boca Raton, Florida. To learn more about her, visit her website. 
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