ATTENTION:
Assignment Desk, Human Interest and Lifestyle Reporters Valentine's Day Pitch Valentine’s Day can be a trigger day and difficult to navigate when your loved one has passed away. Toronto resident Janet Fanaki lost her 51 year old husband Adam in February 2020 and explores the topic of resilience in her podcast RESILIENT PEOPLE. She has advice to share from her lived experience as well as tips collected from other widows and widowers on how to practice self-care on a difficult day. "Just because you are spending the day alone doesn't mean you need to sacrifice an opportunity to show yourself some love and kindness," says Janet Fanaki. "It could be something or spending time online with someone that helps to make the day bearable." Resilience is sometimes defined as the ability to make something positive from a negative situation. Hopefully this segment will inspire those who are grieving to look at this trigger day in a different way. Visuals are available for this story: gourmet popcorn from Comeback Snacks, earrings from BIKO jewellery, a handmade blanket from Throws by LB, books given to me by my husband and a floral arrangement from Oleander Florists. RESILIENT PEOPLE is a podcast that profiles regular folks from around the world who are admired for their resilience. They have overcome a major challenge and created a purpose to help others be resilient too. Learn more at www.resilientpeople.ca and on social media. To interview Janet, please contact her at info@resilientpeople.ca or (416) 271-7887. - 30 -
0 Comments
This is about something I have been thinking about for a little while now. Anyone who is living with grief will be able to relate to it.
We’re a few days away from the biggest and most romantic day of the year — if you’re in a couple. Valentine’s Day. If you’re not in a relationship, it’s most likely a “trigger” day for you, where you either don’t care about it, want to skip it or are doing some sort of a pivot around it. St. Valentine was immortalized for his love of God and was named the patron saint of love and lovers. For a long time it was called St. Valentine’s Day but I’ve read that thanks to the confectionary and florist companies, the saint was dropped and called what we know now as Valentine’s Day. It was also my grandfather’s birthday and he was the perfect guy to be born on this day. From the time that my husband Adam and I got together in the mid 90s, Valentine’s Day was of course a day where we both had some fun. He would come home with an enormous and way too expensive (because it was Valentine’s Day) bouquet of flowers, we’d exchange corny cards and go out to dinner. Even after we had our children, we made a point of going out to celebrate a dinner for two and still have fun on the day with them as well. It was important even if it was cheesy. Some people disregard it as a “made up” holiday but we didn’t care. Adam and I were in-love for over 22 years and this was just another day to celebrate us. And as for the kids, I would decorate the kitchen in red foil hearts, make heart-shaped sandwiches for their lunches and give them sweets galore. I’m that mom who gets behind these “made up” holidays because it’s fun and in Toronto the winter is way too long so why not? This Valentine’s Day will mark one year minus a day that Adam passed away at only 51 years old. Even in the hospital palliative care I decorated the space around his bed with decorations. Shiny red hearts strung together hanging over his bed, just to let him know it was still a special day for us. So as with all other special occasions during the past year, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, our anniversary and birthday (we shared the same day, same year) I’m doing a bit of a pivot. I’m not an expert psychologist but I am someone who has some life experience in this space and I’ve asked some knowledgeable widowed friends for their advice on “surviving Valentine’s Day” when you’ve lost someone who was special to you. I’m here to share some suggestions that will hopefully make the day a little easier for us all. The way that I look at it, it’s a perfect time to keep the traditions you love but feel free to start new ones. Like any holiday or special occasion, it won’t be like others from the past. So let’s look at some ways to bring comfort and a little joy along with some self-love on this day that might otherwise be a little tough to get through. Tip #1. Make it a self-care day Start with a workout or just a long walk in the neighbourhood while listening to music, do your nails, a craft, run a bath, take a nice long afternoon nap. Tip #2. Stay off social media This is just a good thing to do on a regular basis but particularly on the trigger days. I was given this advice very early into my grief when Adam just passed away and Mother’s Day was the first holiday that followed it. A friend made this suggestion and I am forever grateful for it. Instagram and Facebook are known for catering to FOMO and that’s the last thing you need on Valentine’s Day. Tip #3. Don’t watch or listen to the news For this one day, given all of the negative news out there it’s one day that you can take a break and focus on positivity and mental wellness instead. Tip #4. Connect with upbeat friends over zoom coffees or cocktails It’s not the same as getting together, we can all agree. But it’s definitely better than nothing, it may feed your soul to be with others and help to pass the time. I’m “seeing” a few good friends on February 14 for coffee in the morning or a cocktail in the afternoon. Just because we don’t have our loved ones around anymore doesn’t mean we don’t still have people in our lives that we love for their friendship. Let’s show our appreciation for our broskies and gal-pals too. Tip #5. Treat yourself Everywhere you look on Valentine’s Day it’s about chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate so why not treat yourself too? It can be as expensive or cheap as you like it. Melt it to dip fruit in it if that makes you feel less guilty about it. Tip #6. Make or order a nice dinner and watch a movie I’m doing this with the kids and will keep the rom-coms for another night. Tip #7. Do something nice for someone else A woman who lost her husband told me that she’s creating small Valentine packages for a local seniors home and dropping them off for the residents. What a nice idea! How about doing something nice for a front-line or healthcare worker you know? God knows they could use a lot of love from us. Finding a purpose can make you feel good while also helping others to feel good too. And if you are someone looking to help a widowed friend:
I hope these ideas have lit a spark for you to think about Valentine’s Day in a whole new way. I’m still a believer in love and in celebrating it in every way shape or form. The point is, make this Valentine’s Day whatever you want it to be and show yourself some kindness and love — not just this day but everyday. Feel free to email me with some ways that you’ll be spending Valentine’s Day if you are a widow or widower or grieving the loss of a loved one. Maybe you can also share an idea of something that worked for you in marking a past Valentine’s Day. Write me at info@resilientpeople.ca Janet Fanaki is the host of the RESILIENT PEOPLE podcast. Photo cred: Maggie Knaus TORONTO, ON., January 26, 2020 -- What makes a person resilient and what can we learn from them?
Toronto resident Janet Fanaki started the podcast RESILIENT PEOPLE to find out. In February 2020 she lost her 51 year old husband Adam to glioblastoma, the most aggressive brain cancer. During his illness, she began blogging her conversations with regular people who are admired for their resilience to inspire others with their stories. Fanaki’s guests live around the world and have overcome a major life challenge and then created something to help others be resilient too. Some of her guests have included: Marnie Hill who lost her son-in-law and wrote a children’s book to help discuss grief; Jason Fiorotto who lost his wife to breast cancer and started a fundraiser to bring comfort to cancer patients; and Elly Gotz who survived the Holocaust and speaks to thousands of students a year on the power of love over hate. Each conversation offers simple takeaways for listeners. “I’m doing this for the people who I met on my own journey who said that they could never do it,” says Janet Fanaki. “The truth is, you don’t know what you’re capable of doing until you HAVE to do it.” Find the RESILIENT PEOPLE podcast and more information at www.resilientpeople.ca Episodes are at: https://resilient-people.simplecast.com/ To interview Janet, contact her at info@resilientpeople.ca or (416) 271-7887. Toronto woman launches RESILIENT PEOPLE podcast to bring hope and inspiration to othersTORONTO, ON., December 30, 2020 -- Janet Fanaki is inspired by regular people. She founded the website RESILIENT PEOPLE in 2018 to share stories of EXTRAordinary people who have overcome major challenges and then created something to help others be resilient too. Now she has launched a podcast to share their voices. They include: Terrence Rodriguez, a transgender man from Rexdale who started REXpride to build a community for LGBTQ+ youth; the founder of The Tory Day Fund’s Jason Fiorotto who lost his wife to breast cancer and started a fundraiser to bring comfort to cancer patients; expert opinion from Jane Kristoffy on raising resilient kids; and Dale Allen Berg as a stay-at-home dad to 3 special needs children who blogs about his daily experiences. Each interview is unique, inspiring and relatable. “I’m doing this for the people who have said that they could never do it,” says Janet Fanaki. “When my husband was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer at 47 years old, I came across many people who applauded my strength and resilience. The truth is, you don’t know what you’re capable of doing until you HAVE to do it.” Find the RESILIENT PEOPLE podcast and more information at www.resilientpeople.ca Episodes are at: https://resilient-people.simplecast.com/ To interview Janet, contact her at info@resilientpeople.ca or (416) 271-7887. Janet Fanaki, host of the RESILIENT PEOPLE podcast. Photo cred: Maggie Knaus Terrence Rodriguez, founder of REXpride Lee Silverstein and his wife Linda. Lee is the host of the We Have Cancer podcast Janet Fanaki with author Marnie Hill and her book, "Daddy's Blue Eyes"
photo cred: Maggie Knaus
www.resilientpeople.ca Some people just know what to do. At 52, I'm starting to learn what it takes to be a really good person. Don't get me wrong, I think I've been doing alright until now. I say my "please" and "thank yous", will hold the door for someone coming behind me, and tell a stranger when their shirt label is sticking out. Believe me, I'm always grateful when someone does that for me. But what I witnessed over the last few years in my own life has taught me what it really means to step-up. When my husband was diagnosed with a terminal disease and our lives were turned upside down, friends, neighbours and family went ahead and just did things for us. No instructions. No one waited for our cue. They brought over hot meals and dropped them off on the porch, offered to give us drives to appointments and even to watch Adam at home so I could have some time out for myself. The idea of having people "babysit" him made him crazy but as his health deteriorated and he was unable to do more independently, having people sit with him became a godsend for me and saved my sanity. Growing up, the conventional wisdom had me believe that you waited for the person in need to let you know when they needed you. What I've learned though is that they often won't ask for help. So all of those years when a friend or someone in the family was suffering, they often did it in silence with little to no outside help around them. How heartbreaking. All because we waited for them to let us know. It wasn't until I felt the difference it made when people just showed up for us. And then the lightbulb went off in my head. So as they say, it's never too late to learn and to grow. I promise to do better from now on. To be more helpful, giving and empathetic. For my birthday this past weekend, there was a steady stream of deliveries and people to visit at the door or on the driveway. Balloons, goodies and flowers to fill a nursery. It was my first birthday without my birthday twin - my husband. My first as a widow. And as a single parent. People must have anticipated that it would be a tough day - and so they came. Even with COVID regulations, it was one of the best weekends I have ever had for my birthday. If I hadn't had all of that attention, I probably would have been ok. But, it was awesome to experience it and feel that much love around me. Photographer: Alexandra Petruck I recently met a woman who over a short conversation starting talking with me about downhill skiing. Something I know little about, even though I tried it for almost 20 years.
My husband Adam was passionate about it and it was poetry in motion to watch him go down a run. I can say it now, "I am and never will be a downhill skier". I blame the fact that I took it up as an adult, the fear of sliding down a vertical slope and my disdain for cold weather. Adam would say to me, "I love it when we go skiing together". The reality was that we would start at the top together and then he and the kids would take off and leave me to snowplough down alone. I knew what to expect so I wasn't angry about it. They were having fun and it made him happy. Back to the woman and our talk. I shared with her that it wasn't my favourite sport. She told me that she was disappointed to not be able to go with her husband anymore. "At least your husband doesn't have a torn meniscus" she blurted out. To which I calmly replied, "No, actually my husband is dead." UGH! The stunned look on her face, as if Bigfoot just jumped in front of her. As she cocked her chin inwards and furrowed her brow, she came back with, "Oh, but you're so chipper". Huh. It wasn't the first time that I'd heard that one, during a casual chat, but it still surprised me. Each widow or widower's journey is different and I don't think it's fair to judge how anyone grieves. For the last four and a bit years, since Adam was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, I've been grieving. He passed away nine months ago. My worst feeling comes everyday when I wake up and open my eyes. There's a brief moment when I think that nothing has changed, but then I'm awakened to the reminder that he's not coming back. It's the same disappointment, every morning. Adam and I had many conversations about what his wishes were for the kids and me after he was gone. He wanted us to cherish the great memories, move forward and be happy. I took this to heart and am thankful that we had these talks. It's one of the reasons I can choose to be happy. He gave me that boost of strength and desire to look at the road ahead with wonder and excitement. Not dread and abandonment. He once said, "It's better to be grateful that we got to experience a great marriage and so many good times together." He was right. The glass is always half full in my mind and it's a nicer way to go through life. Janet Fanaki is the host of the RESILIENT PEOPLE podcast. She interviews EXTRAordinary people around the world who are admired for their resilience. They've bounced back from a major challenge in their lives and created something to help others be resilient too. She lives in Toronto with her two children and mini poodle. Learn more at www.resilientpeople.ca Jana Girdauskas is a teacher, a mother and the creator of a successful non-for-profit group called, The Period Purse.
She provides a solution to the challenges that the homeless face, when they get their period. With her army of volunteers, they collect tampons and pads along with wellness items, packed in purses, and deliver them to homeless shelters across Ontario. The Period Purse started in a very organic and modern way. In 2017 Jana had menstrual items that she wanted to donate to people experiencing homelessness, but nothing to put them in. She posted a request to a local Facebook group looking for a purse. Before she knew it, she had dozens dropped off on her back porch. By the end of the month, she collected over 300 purses. With the attention she received on social media, only a week later she appeared on CBC Radio’s popular radio show, Metro Morning. She never ran a business before and the rapid growth that The Period Purse received in a short amount of time was overwhelming to her. “I didn’t think it would explode the way that it did,” she says. It’s a massive effort, but with its overwhelming response and simple method of spreading kindness, she told me that it would be hard for her to stop now. I met Jana at a west Toronto church where dozens of volunteers were sorting, organizing and stuffing purses. A motivational note like this one, “You are strong, you are powerful. What you are going through today doesn’t have to be your forever” is included in each bag. Jana did not plan on The Period Purse becoming a full-time operation, on top of her career as a teacher. Currently there are 8 chapters across Ontario and in Toronto alone she helps 12 shelters, servicing 530 women and transgender men. Running it involves managing donations, recruiting and organizing volunteers including school groups, maintaining the website, posting to social media, corresponding with the chapters, as well as storing and delivering product. “There were things like governance and accounting that I did not know and had to learn quickly,” she says. “I asked a lot of questions, set-up a Board of Directors and struck a partnership with some large corporations.” Even with a lack of staff and only so many hours in a day, Jana is focused on growth and helping more individuals so that no one is left behind. “It’s important for people to know that someone is listening to them and cares.” Her advice for anyone looking to start something similar would be to, “delegate, take breaks and holidays, and take all of the help that you can get.” The Period Purse has launched the Support A Menstruator program. To find out more, visit www.theperiodpurse.com Anastasia Belbas was born in Ukraine during World War I. She is 104 years old. When she was twelve, she moved to Canada with her mother and three younger siblings. She still remembers the harrowing boat ride over the Atlantic Ocean. “I remember it being so windy and dark with the ship making loud noises that scared me,” she says. “The sea was so rough and the boat went up and down with water splashing everywhere.” She thought that she would die. When they arrived, they were reunited with her father who had settled outside of Winnipeg. Anastasia began living a normal childhood in Canada that included going to school. But, this would be short lived. An aunt, who lived on a farm a few hours away, had suddenly died when Anastasia was 14 years old. Her mother sent her to live with her uncle, and help care for him and his five young children, one of which was a newborn baby. Barely a teenager, she left school to clean their house, cook all meals and care for the family and animals. “I didn’t know anything,” she remembers. “The first time I baked bread, my uncle told me it was like a rock.” But she recalled watching her mother bake it many times, “and so I just kept trying until I got it right.” The following year her uncle remarried and Anastasia was able to move back to live with her family. But, she never returned to school. Years later, she married and moved to Toronto to begin a new life. She volunteered with the Ukrainian community, raising funds to build St. Vladimir’s Orthodox Church on Bathurst Street, among many other initiatives. She rose to become President of the Ukrainian Canadian Council and traveled extensively in this role. When asked what she credits her longevity to, her answer is simple. “Waking up every morning with a goal, kept my brain alive and active, and it gave me a purpose.” Her strong faith also guided her through every experience. “I don’t know how I didn’t go crazy,” she says. “God gave me life, and I just knew that everything that I went through, was meant for me to do.” Anastasia is now 104 years old and continues to tell amazing stories What is Resilience?
Resilience is a process and the capacity to adapt in the face of adversity or significant sources of stress. People commonly demonstrate resilience and emerge stronger, wiser and more able. The level to which they are or feel resilient varies in each area of their life. Compared with people who have lower levels of resilience, people with higher levels of resilience perform better at managing any obstacles they are presented with and they tend to not be phased by them. Resilience is comprised of your thoughts, feelings, behaviours and actions - the things you exhibit and experience every moment of your life. Developing resilience is a personal journey that can be learnt. Identifying the strategies or approaches that work best for you is key to building your resilience. That takes time and involves thorough exploration. How will resilience matter? Future trends predict significant changes in our economic, environmental, legal, political, societal and technological systems. Being resilient will become - and is - a critical component to our individual and collective survival and prosperity. The implications of these changes will impact your career, your health, your relationships, your perspectives, and much more. By understanding and enhancing your resilience today, you can be better prepared for whatever - large or small - presents itself tomorrow. The road to resilience is likely to involve a period of distress and an emotional response to that challenging experience. Many people often carry these experiences with them as they navigate their present and future career paths, their personal relationships and their community affiliations. Identifying and addressing what serves you today - as opposed to what worked yesterday - is vital to learning, processing what is happening, and thinking about what is possible. The Centre for Creative Leadership identifies 8 key steps to become more resilient: 1. Accept Change. Change is not easy. Change is constant and inevitable. The more comfortable you are with change the more resilient you will be. 2. Continuously Learn. As things change, you will need to learn and apply new skills and understanding. Holding onto behaviours or skills that do not work anymore will not help. 3. Take Charge. Empower yourself to make a change and make meaningful shifts to guide the way. Do not expect someone to do it for you. 4. Define Purpose. What gives you meaning and puts things into a larger context? 5. Create Balance. Separate who you are from what you do and what is happening to you. You are not your work or your job. You are not a disease. You are not a moment in time. How would you define who you are? 6. Cultivate Relationships. Develop and nurture a broad network of personal and professional relationships. It will act as a strong base of support which is critical for achieving goals, dealing with hardships, and developing perspective. 7. Reflect. Make time to reflect on what has happened in times of hardship or celebration. Reflection fosters learning, new perspectives, and a degree of self-awareness that can enhance your resilience. 8. Reframe Skills. Question your definition of yourself and your life. Reframe how you see your skills, talents, and interests. By casting your skills in a new light, you can see how they may shift into new patterns. Questions to consider might be:
To schedule a free 30 minute consultation today with Amanda Calzolaio, visit www.amandacalzolaio.com |