My husband Adam passed away almost two months ago. Since then I've barely cried or felt any deep sorrow.
Today is Easter and I woke up feeling very alone. As if today was somehow different than any other day.
I've heard many times that the first holidays are the hardest when you lose someone. This is our first.
Easter was the holiday we hosted each year. Usually around 25 people including our brothers and their families, my mom, his aunt, cousins and sometimes close friends.
The morning would start with Adam's carefully orchestrated egg hunt. He always had the best hiding spots.
"Sweetles, you look, too" he'd say as I would contentedly sit on the couch watching the kids search under cushions, behind furniture, on top of hanging frames and in flower pots.
I loved looking over at Adam and seeing the expression on his face as he watched them feverishly trying to outdo each other in who could collect more.
Hectic preparations followed in the lead-up to everyone's arrival. The dog would bark at the non-stop knocking at the door. Adam would be there to greet everyone along with Isobel and Sam, with lots of hugs and kisses, and shouts of "Happy Easter" to me in the kitchen.
We'd sit crammed together around a few long tables. Adults and big-kids in one room with the little ones in another. There was a lot of noise and laughter. It was beautiful.
COVID-19 and the pandemic it has ensued has halted everyone's celebrations. I take solace today in knowing that we're not alone in feeling miserable and isolated beyond our social distancing.
It pained me to contact our guests a couple of weeks ago to cancel Easter brunch. I followed with offering to host something once we get the green light to socialize again.
I already can't wait for that day.
So 32 plastic-filled eggs are waiting to be found this morning, but I'll admit that my hiding spots aren't that clever. The noise level during our big meal will be, well, much less noisy.
With the 3 of us instead of 4, I can't help but wish we had the big sounds around us today.
Thinking about all of you who are feeling the same way.
April 12, 2020