What I Know At 54

December 6th is my birthday and I will be 54 years old. 

It’s a day that I used to celebrate with my husband as we shared the same birthday. Same day. Same year. Until February 2020 when he passed away from brain cancer. 

Sharing a birthday with a loved one carries with it a double-edged sword. 

When they are alive, it’s one of the days of the year that you look forward to the most. 

And when they pass away, it turns into something bittersweet.

The thing about grief is that you live with it for the rest of your life. There is no getting around it. You can only learn to accept it and find a way to move forward.  

Grief is a byproduct of love. Because if we never felt love, we would not grieve. 

I feel extremely lucky that Adam and I had met, and on our first date talked about our birthdays and astrological signs. 

As a total skeptic, I can still remember the moment when he produced his driver’s license to prove that we were born on the same day. 

Stars appeared and I immediately fell for him. 

Some people never experience love in their lives, while others find it and it slowly disappears over time. 

Mine was taken away from me, but I still remain grateful for the time we had together. 

As my third birthday approaches where I am celebrating it without Adam, I will gather with family and spend time with friends. Coming from a line of women who fete their birthdays over weeks, if not months, I will do the same. 

And celebrate it, I certainly will. 

One of Adam’s final things he said to me was, “Live your life. Be happy.” Such important words for him to say especially in the last weeks of his life.    

This birthday, like all of the others, I am reflecting on where I am as well as where I’ve been. And what I’ve learned along the way. 

Here are some insights that I’d like to share with you:

• Find elders that have been through similar personal experiences. They will guide you better than anyone your own age.
  
• Wrinkles creams may not always work but find one that makes your skin feel good.
  
• Believe that you can be strong on your own.
  
• Not everyone can know what you’ve been through and you can’t expect them to. As adults, we all have a lot going on. Find good friends that are good listeners. 
  
• Tell your significant other that when you die, you want them to be happy. Let them know that it’s okay to feel joy and to move on. We all need this reassurance. 
  
• Your couple friends when you are with a partner will not necessarily be your friends when you’re single. Have your own friends outside of your romantic relationship. 
  
• Always have your own interests when you’re in a romantic partnership that you do outside of your home. When your partner is no longer with you, you’ll be thankful to already have these in place.
  
• When someone is in distress, they want to be checked-on and not ignored. Drop off a prepared meal, a hot drink or call them and say, “How are you? I’m here for you.”
  
• Exercising everyday really does make you feel better. ​