by Janet Fanaki
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Greeting cards in hues of pink, breakfast in bed and handmade paper creations done lovingly by little hands. These are some of the ways we honour moms on Mother’s Day.

As we look to celebrate them this weekend, many others are seeking ways to just get through it all.

Mother’s Day, like other special occasions in the year, can be unbearable for those who are living with grief.

For widowers, mothers who have lost a child and anyone missing their mom, Mother’s Day may still hold a special place in their hearts but is also a day that triggers sadness.
Jason Fiorotto lost his wife Tory to breast cancer and offers this advice, as a widower and parent, to those facing this day for the first time.

“Give yourself time and space to grieve and make the day as positive as possible,” he says. “It is about your child and the mom they lost — their experience on Mother’s Day from now on is based on the one you create. Cry a little, but do things that celebrate her.”

Melissa Sheldrick lost her son Andrew when he was only 8 years old. She places a large value on healing through self care.

“Mother’s Day opens every wound,” she says. “The best way to get through it is to do what feels right for you. Last year, I spent Mother’s Day by myself and it was exactly what I needed. Time will tell what will happen this year; you can prepare, but you can’t predict.”

The death of a mother can be difficult to cope with at any age. “A dear friend of mine celebrates any big day, birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day by enjoying a special dessert of the person they are missing,” says Shirley Fairley. “My mom loved strawberry shortcake and I think that’s what I will enjoy this Mother’s Day.”

Friends and family may also be looking for ways to reach out to those who are grieving. They could do something special for them like drop off a special coffee house drink to their porch, a favourite bottle of wine or offer to chat online so they don’t feel so alone.

I’m thankful everyday for my terrific kids, but I will be missing the man who made me a mom — my husband Adam who passed away in February 2020.

My way to cope has been to reinvent traditions. This has proven to make a nice day out of one that would otherwise be a challenge to emotionally survive.

If you are grieving, give yourself permission to spend the day your way and do what feels comfortable for you.

​Wishing you all a beautiful Mother’s Day.

What makes people resilient? What can we learn from them to build a positive mindset? 

Toronto resident Janet Fanaki started the podcast RESILIENT PEOPLE to surround herself with regular resilient people and to inspire others too.

She lost her 51 year old husband Adam to glioblastoma, the most aggressive form of brain cancer, in February 2020.

During his treatments at the Odette Cancer Centre at Sunnybrook Hospital in Toronto, she spent a lot of time people watching. She wondered what makes some people strong in the face of adversity while making others cower. 

In 2018 she created RESILIENT PEOPLE as a blog and recently launched a podcast to share her conversations with folks from around the world who are admired for their resilience. Her guests have overcome a major life challenge and found a purpose by creating something to help others be resilient too. 

Janet admits to not being a professional researcher but considers herself a Resilience Explorer. From her conversations over the last few years, she determines that some common traits between resilient people are their commitment to physical activity, socializing and volunteer engagement.

Guests have included: Terrence Rodriguez, a transgender man from Rexdale who spent much of his younger days in isolation and then started REX Pride to build a community for LGBTQ+ youth; Jason Fiorotto who lost his wife to breast cancer and then established a fundraiser to bring comfort to cancer patients; and crash survivor Dawne McKay who built an online community for fellow accident and crash victims through The Crash Support Network.

Each interview is unique, inspiring and relatable. They are like many people you already know but their perspective is different.

“I’m doing this for the people who I met on my own journey who said that they could never do it,” says Janet Fanaki. “The truth is, you don’t know what you’re capable of doing until you HAVE to do it.”

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Find the RESILIENT PEOPLE podcast and more information at www.resilientpeople.ca 

To contact Janet Fanaki, Creator and Host of the RESILIENT PEOPLE podcast and website, email info@resilientpeople.ca 

Episodes can be found on all platforms and https://resilient-people.simplecast.com/

This is about something I have been thinking about for a little while now. Anyone who is living with grief will be able to relate to it.

We’re a few days away from the biggest and most romantic day of the year — if you’re in a couple.

Valentine’s Day.

If you’re not in a relationship, it’s most likely a “trigger” day for you, where you either don’t care about it, want to skip it or are doing some sort of a pivot around it.

St. Valentine was immortalized for his love of God and was named the patron saint of love and lovers.

For a long time it was called St. Valentine’s Day but I’ve read that thanks to the confectionary and florist companies, the saint was dropped and called what we know now as Valentine’s Day.

It was also my grandfather’s birthday and he was the perfect guy to be born on this day.

From the time that my husband Adam and I got together in the mid 90s, Valentine’s Day was of course a day where we both had some fun.

He would come home with an enormous and way too expensive (because it was Valentine’s Day) bouquet of flowers, we’d exchange corny cards and go out to dinner.

Even after we had our children, we made a point of going out to celebrate a dinner for two and still have fun on the day with them as well.

It was important even if it was cheesy.

Some people disregard it as a “made up” holiday but we didn’t care. Adam and I were in-love for over 22 years and this was just another day to celebrate us.

And as for the kids, I would decorate the kitchen in red foil hearts, make heart-shaped sandwiches for their lunches and give them sweets galore. I’m that mom who gets behind these “made up” holidays because it’s fun and in Toronto the winter is way too long so why not?

This Valentine’s Day will mark one year minus a day that Adam passed away at only 51 years old.

Even in the hospital palliative care I decorated the space around his bed with decorations.

Shiny red hearts strung together hanging over his bed, just to let him know it was still a special day for us.

So as with all other special occasions during the past year, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, our anniversary and birthday (we shared the same day, same year) I’m doing a bit of a pivot.

I’m not an expert psychologist but I am someone who has some life experience in this space and I’ve asked some knowledgeable widowed friends for their advice on “surviving Valentine’s Day” when you’ve lost someone who was special to you. I’m here to share some suggestions that will hopefully make the day a little easier for us all.

The way that I look at it, it’s a perfect time to keep the traditions you love but feel free to start new ones.

Like any holiday or special occasion, it won’t be like others from the past. So let’s look at some ways to bring comfort and a little joy along with some self-love on this day that might otherwise be a little tough to get through.

Tip #1. Make it a self-care day
Start with a workout or just a long walk in the neighbourhood while listening to music, do your nails, a craft, run a bath, take a nice long afternoon nap.

Tip #2. Stay off social media
This is just a good thing to do on a regular basis but particularly on the trigger days. I was given this advice very early into my grief when Adam just passed away and Mother’s Day was the first holiday that followed it. A friend made this suggestion and I am forever grateful for it. Instagram and Facebook are known for catering to FOMO and that’s the last thing you need on Valentine’s Day.

Tip #3. Don’t watch or listen to the news
For this one day, given all of the negative news out there it’s one day that you can take a break and focus on positivity and mental wellness instead.

Tip #4. Connect with upbeat friends over zoom coffees or cocktails
It’s not the same as getting together, we can all agree. But it’s definitely better than nothing, it may feed your soul to be with others and help to pass the time. I’m “seeing” a few good friends on February 14 for coffee in the morning or a cocktail in the afternoon. Just because we don’t have our loved ones around anymore doesn’t mean we don’t still have people in our lives that we love for their friendship. Let’s show our appreciation for our broskies and gal-pals too.

Tip #5. Treat yourself
Everywhere you look on Valentine’s Day it’s about chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate so why not treat yourself too? It can be as expensive or cheap as you like it. Melt it to dip fruit in it if that makes you feel less guilty about it.

Tip #6. Make or order a nice dinner and watch a movie
I’m doing this with the kids and will keep the rom-coms for another night.

Tip #7. Do something nice for someone else
A woman who lost her husband told me that she’s creating small Valentine packages for a local seniors home and dropping them off for the residents. What a nice idea! How about doing something nice for a front-line or healthcare worker you know? God knows they could use a lot of love from us. Finding a purpose can make you feel good while also helping others to feel good too.
And if you are someone looking to help a widowed friend:

• drop-off a special treat by their door for them AND their children with a little note saying that you’re thinking about them.
• Take the initiative and schedule some time online with your grieving friend — offer to play a virtual game or to talk or just LISTEN if they need to do the talking that day. Chances are, if you’re in a relationship they will NOT take the initiative to reach out to you on Valentine’s Day. So this is your opportunity to think about someone else and help them feel a little love too.

I hope these ideas have lit a spark for you to think about Valentine’s Day in a whole new way.

I’m still a believer in love and in celebrating it in every way shape or form.

The point is, make this Valentine’s Day whatever you want it to be and show yourself some kindness and love — not just this day but everyday.

​Feel free to email me with some ways that you’ll be spending Valentine’s Day if you are a widow or widower or grieving the loss of a loved one. Maybe you can also share an idea of something that worked for you in marking a past Valentine’s Day. Write me at info@resilientpeople.ca

Janet Fanaki, host of the RESILIENT PEOPLE podcast. Photo cred: Maggie Knaus

Terrence Rodriguez, founder of REXpride

Lee Silverstein and his wife Linda. Lee is the host of the We Have Cancer podcast

Janet Fanaki with author Marnie Hill and her book, "Daddy's Blue Eyes"

• Janet Fanaki is the Host of the RESILIENT PEOPLE podcast and lead content creator for the RESILIENT PEOPLE website
  
• She lives in Toronto, Ontario (Canada)
• A self-described 'Resilience Explorer'
• Former public relations specialist
• Launched website in 2018 and podcast in November 2020
• Interviews with regular people around the world admired for their resilience
• The guests of RESILIENT PEOPLE have overcome major challenges and made a purpose from these experiences to help others be resilient too
• Interviews have been done with guests around the world including: Canada, US, England and Australia
• The goal of RESILIENT PEOPLE is to inspire those who say that they "can't do it"
• You are stronger than you think and no one knows what they capable of doing until they need to do it
• In 2016 Janet's husband Adam was diagnosed with glioblastoma, a terminal brain cancer, and passed away at 51 years old in February 2020
• To help in their grief, she and her children started The Adam Fanaki Brain Fund
• Having a purpose is one of the ways in which to build resilience - by focussing on something bigger than yourself
• Raised over $145,000 this year to help brain tumour patients and caregivers at Sunnybrook's Odette Cancer Centre, St. Michael's Hospital and the Brain Tumour Foundation of Canada
• Janet has two children Sam (19) and Isobel (21) and a mini poodle named Ella

www.resilientpeople.ca